Some days are just hard.
As the mother of an addict, sometimes it just hits you in unexpected ways. Sometimes there is no happy ending at the end of the blog, no joyous encouragement or flowery words of hope. Sometimes the reality of addiction overwhelms you.
Today on the way home from teaching art class at my rehab, I cried. I cried the whole way home.
I had a conversation during class with a painter whose friend had just died. He died because there was Fentanyl in his meth. Apparently, it is no longer being cut into just heroin. It is in coke, meth, xanax and even marijuana.
I spoke with a different painter that has been shooting up heroin for over 20 years now. He has almost no veins left and has problems with circulation in his legs and feet from it.
Another painter told me he has been in 14 rehab centers for his drug addiction. FOURTEEN.
And yet another painter told me he uses his jail time to help keep him clean. He didn’t graduate high school and he has been in and out of treatment and jails for quite a few years now.
I cried because these are all BEAUTIFUL people! All of them. Beautiful people in their prime of life. Their eyes are bright and clear, now. Their personalities are fun and enduring, and they care deeply for each other. They cheer each other on. They love well, they have hope and their mind is beginning to work again. Their happiness is emerging, their kindness is shining through. Drug and alcohol addicts are special people. They are not “druggies” or “drunks”. They are beautiful souls who are clawing their way out of their addiction, doing everything they can to keep themselves clean.
AND THEY ARE BURYING THEIR FRIENDS.
I know we aren’t supposed to use all caps when we type up blogs, I know it is like screaming, but do you hear me???? Because I AM screaming!!!!
I am just so tired. Tired of waiting for my son to get clean. Tired of hearing of this epidemic that isn’t getting better. Tired of the pain and destruction it is causing. This disease affects more than just the addict; it mows down entire families.
On my knees
So today I cried and mourned and prayed. I begged God on my knees to help my painters, and my son. I try to pray for each of my painters by name throughout the week. They tell me their stories, share with me their struggles, and they confide in me. In return I say their name before the almighty God and intercede for them. I pray for their ability to stay clean, for their mindset. I thank God for the beauty I see in them, and for others to see it as well. I pray favor on them as they seek employment. I pray for their hearts to remain soft. And I pray for their family relationships to be restored.
Then, after I cry out to God, after I pray for these beautiful souls, after I scream and cry, I paint.
*The painting pictured here is from one of my beloved painters. He feels deeply and paints from his heart.